This week's Quotable Queen is Eva Soccorso: a wife, mother, and talented IT Project Manager. The following is her story presented with advice on creating and maintaining a healthy work-life balance.
In 2013, my first son was born. I spent the first four months of my pregnancy miserable, trying to come to terms with the changes ahead as all my plans were derailing. My career was taking off, my husband and I were looking to move out of our first home, and we still indulged in living our lives for ourselves. Then, in 2019, a second baby boy came into our lives. This time, I felt more prepared. My career was stable and lucrative, we had a wonderful home, and my husband and I were no longer in the deer-caught-in-headlights phase of parenting. But, the reality is that you are never really ready for kids and what comes after. Life has its own course, its own ever-changing variables and outcomes, and they often fall outside of your control.
My career as an IT Project Manager presented some challenges in my life as it was unfolding. Having a plan and mitigation for things not going according to that plan are inherent to what I do. Likewise, working extra hours to get the job done, being accountable for myself and the team I lead, problem-solving, and being an effective leader were all second nature to me. I was made for this job - my education, my personality, my interests and my ambition each lined up with it. I could not imagine a limit to my success! However, I ran into problems when it came to becoming a parent. I thought,
How can I give my all to my job and aspire to the next level of work-related responsibility while I have kids to care for?
At the time, it seemed like these were two opposing forces. I’m sure you can imagine the wrench I was thrown getting two surprise babies, but in hindsight, they were not really wrenches; they were great blessings.
My kids are now my teachers, albeit loud, disorganized and too talkative at times. They became my opportunities for growth and reflection on what I truly wanted out of my life. Was I really put here just to live for a career? Just to be a wife? Just to live for fun and self-gratification? Or, did God have some deeper hidden purpose for me? Through my children, He has taught and continues to teach my life’s most important lessons:
Giving things up gives you other things in return. I recently took a longer maternity leave than I ever planned. During that time, I felt mentally un-challenged. I felt like I was giving up on myself and my goals while in reality, I was only putting those things on hold. I was not getting erased, and it all came down to perspective. Though my leave was long, I gained a deep, irreplaceable bond with my youngest son. I used my leadership skills to organize structure for my kids. I learned to solve problems by considering my kids’ perspectives in the matter. My new project turned into being the best mom I could be, making sure my kids were clothed, fed and happy. I learned that I could use all my skills from my career and adapt them to being a mom instead of viewing my leave as an opposing, limiting force.
Patience really is a virtue - a skill many of us spend our lives developing (myself included). If we are not willing to relinquish control, or think and reason without emotion, we may sabotage ourselves and lead ourselves toward struggle. Recognizing these roadblocks is the first step to developing patience.
Many times, we cannot control the outcome of a situation, but we can always control our response. We may feel exhausted, afraid, angry, anxious, sad, and frustrated because something either happened or didn't happen, but we still have the power to choose how we respond in those circumstances.
Focusing on someone other than myself instills a greater sense of purpose for me. I am directly responsible for the type of humans I want to raise in this world, and that is one awesome responsibility. I can carry forward the values that mean so much to me. Still, I find myself at odds sometimes in trying to preserve my traditions and conservative views while remaining open to our changing themes and values in society. Open-mindedness takes serious work.
Having a career can exist alongside being a mother and wife! They are all interconnected, so maintaining a balance is critical. For me, this meant temporarily giving up my professional life to stay at home longer for my kids. However, this interconnection may simultaneously involve disconnectedness. For instance, if you are feeling disconnected from your family because you are too connected with your career, perhaps it's time to evaluate if the career is worth it. Surely, this would not be an easy choice, but this is where your priorities matter.
Perfection is an illusion. I am a Type A personality, where structure, organization and high standards for myself have been common themes in my life. But being perfect is a self-imposed standard - one that is toxic and unnecessary. I have learned to let go of things and allow some clutter and messes in my life. Why? Because I am human. Because I want to maintain my sanity. Because I want happiness.
Self-care is a survival tool in life. We can burn out quickly, and my children need the best version of myself. Neither I nor you should feel guilty about needing ‘me time’, so never deprive yourself of it!
My husband is my partner and needs to be treated as such (and vice versa). We are no longer each for ourselves but a team. A team needs to work together, communicate effectively and learn to address conflict in a healthy way.
Fast forward to 2020, and I now have an outgoing jabber mouth of a 7-year-old and an 11-month-old mobility machine. There are toys cluttered everywhere, dishes in the sink more often than I would like, and gray hairs continuously popping up and getting neglected. I don’t have time for exercise as much as I would like, I cook just about as much as I breathe (although I don't necessarily enjoy it), laundry is an endless pile up, and I am just getting back to restarting my career. Things that in my pre-baby life would seem like inexcusable, terrible circumstances requiring fixing are now simply life. They are things I chip away at as I can, things I learn to accept and let go, and things that I recognize are temporary.
Self-growth continues to be an evolving process for me and perfectionism an occasional devil on my shoulder. I am imperfect and totally okay with it. I am still me whether I am pursuing my career or chasing my kid to change their diaper. Now, I can recognize what it means to have a full life. What I worried about before was always temporary, and I now know not everything requires a fix. Some things rise and set like the sun, all on their own. My permanence is love. Knowing I am loved and have a beautiful family to love surpasses it all.
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